these are what i feel right now, in crisis, filing for divorce, and possibly moving back to norcal, after 4 years of trying to make a new life here, and having it all fail at every turn.
please understand this may not be how i feel in even an hour, but just what it is right now.
i wish he hadn't kissed me, if he hadn't i wouldn't feel so hopeless, i wouldn't have realized my marriage was a miserable failure(tho i had already)
if he hadn't kissed me, i would have pined another year or two, then it would have gone away like so many others.
i wouldn't be so jealous of everyone i am finding out does like him.
i wouldn't want to run away, or cut, or be hurting so bad. so afraid of the happiness that could be.
i wouldn't be afraid of hurting him like i am hurting myself. yes i am doing this to myself by letting it all overwhelm me. can't sleep, wont eat. emotional state is like a roller coaster. feel like i need to get it out of my head. tho even that doesn't seem to help.
don't know what to do since i cannot distract myself from this. it is all there is for me, this pain of breakup and divorce, and the happiness of new love, coupled with my doubt and fear as always.
trying to control my need to push everyone away cause i am in crisis, and unshure, as always when confronted with moving again and starting over again.
I am getting to old for all this pain, and anguish, and moving, and starting over.
i thought i had it all when i married Richard, a good family, a house to inherit, and a comfortable place to just be.
but after 4 years with no job, for either of us, my continued failure to be "ok in this world", the diseases that are slowly taking me away. cancer, and losing the one thing that made me happy, my singing(yes i still cry most of the time when i try to sing), and all the pain i just don't know how to let go of. cause no one can understand why i cant.
the worst part is that i desperately want to be now. with him i am more who i want to be than ever before. but the times apart are when it gets to me most, when he is here, i am ok, i can talk about what i want in the future. it's when he leaves and i don't know what he is thinking that i get all the bad thoughts that lead me to being overwhelmed.
it seems stupid to someone who hasn't lived with this in their head, who doesn't know how damaging it is, to have to battle the thoughts that are like awful little voices in your head.
always telling you you aren't worth the time or the effort, you are unworthy of love, ugly, stupid, mean.
i live this battle every day.it's why i hate hearing the words, "(name) was talking about you the other day" cause it sends me into a tailspin about what they could possibly have to say about me, or what i could have done to piss them off.
i live in my own head too much, spend too much time dwelling on how i have wronged others and how that makes me a bad person. on how awful my life has been, and i have people tell me that is has made me strong, when most don't understand i would much rather have not had a lot of it happen to me and be a little weaker.
but it is too late for all of that now, as it has been said so many times, i have a path to walk. and i cannot change it now. i have places and people i am meant for and i have to go and be were and with who i must.