it's been 7 months.

since my last post, no cancer they said so far. i am now off a few of the meds i was on at last post. marriage shit hasnt changed. and right now, i am seriously thinking of walking out of here again. i can talk it all i want and i probably won't, cause this is all i have.

i was really hoping to go see my dad over x-mas, but can't afford it. it is probably just the vacation i need, to keep putting up with hubby's crap. life never changes. i am so depressed i dont wanty to eat, and if you look at the time stamp, you'll know i am not sleeping. at 4:13 AM.

nothing else to report, cause like i said, my life never changes. it just cycles around.
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    exhausted exhausted

cancer, AGAIN

some of you may not know, cause i dont post here anymore, Two years ago, i went through Thyroid cancer, had the whole gland removed, i now permanently sound like i have a small frog in my throat.

2 weeks ago, (days before i found out BlackHawk had passed) i found out there is something growing in my throat.7.7 millimeters. i have to wait till mid may for a test that will tell them if it is cancer again or not. As much as I dont want to think about it to much, i am pretty certain it is.

i will likely be in San Jose around April 20th and staying a couple weeks. i want to spend some evening out with people i havent seen in a while. I am gonna plan for at least one trip to Karaoke. tho i likely wont sing. it still hurts, both physically and emotionally to hear my own voice. even tho i know this may be my last chance ever.

Radiation obviously didnt work too well. as i also keep trying to convinve myself, i bet it once, i can do it again, but i am really depressed. therapy isnt helping much, but i am still going.tho i can't while i am up there..

anyway, people can email me, Captaindevon@yahoo.com for phone number to contact me, if they wanna see me.

why cant i let this go.?

two days ago, at a convention meeting. my boyfriend asked me if he could "stick his tongue down her throat" her, being someone we both know and like. now, mind you she was sitting right near me, so i don't know if she heard this or not.

i tried really hard not to go all agro, and yell and scream. he knows i am depressed, he hates it. I hate it. So why did he think it wouldn't piss me off?my response was, if i could get a kiss like that from her man then sure, it of course never happened.

but here it is two days later, and i am still dwelling on it. i feel unworthy enough as it is. i don't want this pitiful crap in my head, making me feel like it would be better for him if i walk away, he never says he doesn't want me to. he says "if that's what you feel is best" why can't he understand i feel like i am a joke, a placeholder till something better happens, and i always have felt like anyone can do so much better than me? not to mention, with his situation, being stuck for so many years with no show of affection from the woman who calls herself his wife. i don't blame him for wanting to play a little.. but if he needs to play, he needs to stop fighting and let me go.

Today, he is doing his household responsibilities. i am guessing cause noone else in the house will. But that means i don't get to talk to him before work, not helping me feel any better. but then to me, what i feel doesn't matter.

and here it is, tomorrow will be a month since i filed for divorce, all my plans have been shot in the toe. i absolutely cannot go hang out at my aunts place.. cause i found out my uncle (her brother) is spending time there, now, for my many readers who don't know, he raped me as a pre-teen.

No i don't have a problem with talking about it like i used to, cause he is now on the megans law website, has been in jail, and is now a registered sex offender. but even my therapist agrees, me putting myself anywhere near him, is a bad idea.

So that leaves me stuck in this house with my soon to be ex husband. and he still acts like everything is ok, i understand that that is how he copes, but his method of coping just constantly reminds me of what a failure i am. his need to be reassured by me, leaves me feeling sick, and wanting to die, cause i know he is hurting.. i know the divorce must make him feel like just as much of a failure.

it kills me that i have hurt him, but he did fail me, himself , and his family. he allowed his parents to support us all this 4 years, and they are going under slowly because of it. I hate watching it, and i hate even more that i still have to ask for money and rides, and all that, i have gotten it down to trying to only ask for money or rides for my medical stuff, therapy and doctor appts.

ugh. Speaking of which, i get a new endocrinologist tomorrow, and they just took 7 vials of blood last week. it's been over a year now since cancer surgery. i guess they are trying to establish new levels on all my stuff/meds. we will see how that goes tomorrow.

hope everyone is having a better day than me.

mrry early xmas to me

so today we went to family law court for a judges ruling on our fee waiver.

while we were waiting some lawyer walked off with all our papers by accident. ooops

our waiver was approved, they found an assistant to re copy our copies of papers, and thankfully we only had to refill out one copy of the courts paperwork.

so my divorce papers are filed, and from what the clerk in the court told me, it is 6 months 1 day, which puts my divorce done on xmas eve. now i know realistically it wont likely be entered till after the new year. but still, on christmas eve, i will have a drink to celebrate.

where ever i happen to be at the time. here's to hoping it isnt still here.

having a bad borderline day, need to get this out of me.

these are what i feel right now, in crisis, filing for divorce, and possibly moving back to norcal, after 4 years of trying to make a new life here, and having it all fail at every turn.

please understand this may not be how i feel in even an hour, but just what it is right now.

i wish he hadn't kissed me, if he hadn't i wouldn't feel so hopeless, i wouldn't have realized my marriage was a miserable failure(tho i had already)

if he hadn't kissed me, i would have pined another year or two, then it would have gone away like so many others.

i wouldn't be so jealous of everyone i am finding out does like him.

i wouldn't want to run away, or cut, or be hurting so bad. so afraid of the happiness that could be.

i wouldn't be afraid of hurting him like i am hurting myself. yes i am doing this to myself by letting it all overwhelm me. can't sleep, wont eat. emotional state is like a roller coaster. feel like i need to get it out of my head. tho even that doesn't seem to help.

don't know what to do since i cannot distract myself from this. it is all there is for me, this pain of breakup and divorce, and the happiness of new love, coupled with my doubt and fear as always.

trying to control my need to push everyone away cause i am in crisis, and unshure, as always when confronted with moving again and starting over again.

I am getting to old for all this pain, and anguish, and moving, and starting over.

i thought i had it all when i married Richard, a good family, a house to inherit, and a comfortable place to just be.

but after 4 years with no job, for either of us, my continued failure to be "ok in this world", the diseases that are slowly taking me away. cancer, and losing the one thing that made me happy, my singing(yes i still cry most of the time when i try to sing), and all the pain i just don't know how to let go of. cause no one can understand why i cant.

the worst part is that i desperately want to be now. with him i am more who i want to be than ever before. but the times apart are when it gets to me most, when he is here, i am ok, i can talk about what i want in the future. it's when he leaves and i don't know what he is thinking that i get all the bad thoughts that lead me to being overwhelmed.

it seems stupid to someone who hasn't lived with this in their head, who doesn't know how damaging it is, to have to battle the thoughts that are like awful little voices in your head.
always telling you you aren't worth the time or the effort, you are unworthy of love, ugly, stupid, mean.

i live this battle every day.it's why i hate hearing the words, "(name) was talking about you the other day" cause it sends me into a tailspin about what they could possibly have to say about me, or what i could have done to piss them off.

i live in my own head too much, spend too much time dwelling on how i have wronged others and how that makes me a bad person. on how awful my life has been, and i have people tell me that is has made me strong, when most don't understand i would much rather have not had a lot of it happen to me and be a little weaker.

but it is too late for all of that now, as it has been said so many times, i have a path to walk. and i cannot change it now. i have places and people i am meant for and i have to go and be were and with who i must.

flayed and laid open.

suddenly, i feels like my soul is on fire.
and then laid open to the world

and then to know he feels the same
makes it easier and yet so much harder.

i want to soothe him, and ignore me
But i know i have to watch my feelings too

It's so hard to not be completely overwhelmed
when he is all i want in my life.

ready to give up everything,
And just walk away (from where i am now)

i have long since given up on what i have,
resigned to just suffering.

But something unexpected made me see
That suffering isn't an option

That i can be happy, that i should be.
made me feel like i deserve it.

and makes me feel like i am loved
Something that has been rare and fleeting.

when he holds me i feel so fragile and protected
Something i need more than anything

no one has ever made me so aware
Of everything i feel.

or look forward to a future
i never believed i would have.

But the seperation is murderous.
the distance seems impossible

the wait, so oppressive
but it makes opportunities

Seem so much more sacred.
Inspired. meaningful.

Waiting for the day when he
Can finally be just mine.

The day I begin to live again.


6-15.2011

For my Beloved.

untitled

why now? why me?

this is not how i imagined it happening.
then again. i tried not to imagine it at all.

Something inside me has awakened
It tells me what i thought was going well

it is a lie, not what it was.
this thing awakened, tells me plainly.

Where and to whom. But what to do
About my failures.

I still feel like it would be
Better if i just go away

hearts would mend, and aches will ease
But something just wont let me go

I can't walk away, can't take the chance
but also can't help mistrusting what i feel.

Emotions cloud judgement, especially mine.
This heart is Scarred, and afraid

And even still, through this pain
I can still feel something stirring again.


June 12, 2011
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    confused confused
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today the doctor said.

my kidney markers are slightly high. Merry f'ing christmas to me.


i gave up my wants for xmas presents so that richard and i can both attend Pantheacon and have a hotel room for the weekend, so we dont have to bother anyone to put us up at their expense or whatever.

it just isnt fair. i dont want to have to worry about dialysis, or not to. like it isnt bad enough i am already worrying about my eyes and signs of (i forgot what it's called already) going blind.

i dont want to be stressed about all of this, i dont want to be sick anymore. I don't want to live 350 miles away from all my friends. i do want to know what being happy is like. i guess it means i do want to run away from home now.

i hate my life so much right now, aside from some of the people in it.

recent updates

i went through radiation, had my body scan, and was told i have nothing left to do, i am cancer free now


i miss my Norcal friends a lot, and i am depressed that i had to leave out the stop in San Jose.

but i do have a couple plans i am working on to make it up there in January or February

things have gotten interesting just after radiation treatment i found a couple people who are very important to me.

my favorite cousin showed up, in of all places, Facebook. I was afraid she would hear about the cancer from someone in the family before i could tell her. thankfully she hadnt heard at all . so i got to tell her myself.That way she got all the news, which was that yeah, they did tell me i had it, but i was already done with treatment and feeling better

i am still kinda weak, and have barely begun to start singing again. i dont go out as much as i used to, but am feeling an acute case of cabin fever. i feel horribly lonely and left out of a lot of things.

i really hate taking 18 medications a day, and it got worse with the addition of the thyroid meds, cause i have to take one when i wake up and then wait a half hour to eat, ugh.

speaking of which, i need to go eat brekfast, i am an hour overdue.. see you all later.

travel changes...

well, Amtrak wants an extra 170$ for hubby and i to stop the 3 days in San Jose, so we arent gonna be able to do it this time

we will be going right up to Willits for 6 days with my dad, and home in the wee hours on the day of the filk here at our place.

It looks like the next time i will be able to manage a trip up is in January, or early february.

there is someone coming down here to see me, and family, and i am thinking of maybe going back up with him, and then working my way back down in a trip with a different friend.

sh** happens. and plans can be rearranged.