some of you may not know, cause i dont post here anymore, Two years ago, i went through Thyroid cancer, had the whole gland removed, i now permanently sound like i have a small frog in my throat.

2 weeks ago, (days before i found out BlackHawk had passed) i found out there is something growing in my throat.7.7 millimeters. i have to wait till mid may for a test that will tell them if it is cancer again or not. As much as I dont want to think about it to much, i am pretty certain it is.

i will likely be in San Jose around April 20th and staying a couple weeks. i want to spend some evening out with people i havent seen in a while. I am gonna plan for at least one trip to Karaoke. tho i likely wont sing. it still hurts, both physically and emotionally to hear my own voice. even tho i know this may be my last chance ever.

Radiation obviously didnt work too well. as i also keep trying to convinve myself, i bet it once, i can do it again, but i am really depressed. therapy isnt helping much, but i am still going.tho i can't while i am up there..

anyway, people can email me, Captaindevon@yahoo.com for phone number to contact me, if they wanna see me.

two days ago, at a convention meeting. my boyfriend asked me if he could "stick his tongue down her throat" her, being someone we both know and like. now, mind you she was sitting right near me, so i don't know if she heard this or not.

i tried really hard not to go all agro, and yell and scream. he knows i am depressed, he hates it. I hate it. So why did he think it wouldn't piss me off?my response was, if i could get a kiss like that from her man then sure, it of course never happened.

but here it is two days later, and i am still dwelling on it. i feel unworthy enough as it is. i don't want this pitiful crap in my head, making me feel like it would be better for him if i walk away, he never says he doesn't want me to. he says "if that's what you feel is best" why can't he understand i feel like i am a joke, a placeholder till something better happens, and i always have felt like anyone can do so much better than me? not to mention, with his situation, being stuck for so many years with no show of affection from the woman who calls herself his wife. i don't blame him for wanting to play a little.. but if he needs to play, he needs to stop fighting and let me go.

Today, he is doing his household responsibilities. i am guessing cause noone else in the house will. But that means i don't get to talk to him before work, not helping me feel any better. but then to me, what i feel doesn't matter.

and here it is, tomorrow will be a month since i filed for divorce, all my plans have been shot in the toe. i absolutely cannot go hang out at my aunts place.. cause i found out my uncle (her brother) is spending time there, now, for my many readers who don't know, he raped me as a pre-teen.

No i don't have a problem with talking about it like i used to, cause he is now on the megans law website, has been in jail, and is now a registered sex offender. but even my therapist agrees, me putting myself anywhere near him, is a bad idea.

So that leaves me stuck in this house with my soon to be ex husband. and he still acts like everything is ok, i understand that that is how he copes, but his method of coping just constantly reminds me of what a failure i am. his need to be reassured by me, leaves me feeling sick, and wanting to die, cause i know he is hurting.. i know the divorce must make him feel like just as much of a failure.

it kills me that i have hurt him, but he did fail me, himself , and his family. he allowed his parents to support us all this 4 years, and they are going under slowly because of it. I hate watching it, and i hate even more that i still have to ask for money and rides, and all that, i have gotten it down to trying to only ask for money or rides for my medical stuff, therapy and doctor appts.

ugh. Speaking of which, i get a new endocrinologist tomorrow, and they just took 7 vials of blood last week. it's been over a year now since cancer surgery. i guess they are trying to establish new levels on all my stuff/meds. we will see how that goes tomorrow.

hope everyone is having a better day than me.

so today we went to family law court for a judges ruling on our fee waiver.

while we were waiting some lawyer walked off with all our papers by accident. ooops

our waiver was approved, they found an assistant to re copy our copies of papers, and thankfully we only had to refill out one copy of the courts paperwork.

so my divorce papers are filed, and from what the clerk in the court told me, it is 6 months 1 day, which puts my divorce done on xmas eve. now i know realistically it wont likely be entered till after the new year. but still, on christmas eve, i will have a drink to celebrate.

where ever i happen to be at the time. here's to hoping it isnt still here.

these are what i feel right now, in crisis, filing for divorce, and possibly moving back to norcal, after 4 years of trying to make a new life here, and having it all fail at every turn.

please understand this may not be how i feel in even an hour, but just what it is right now.

i wish he hadn't kissed me, if he hadn't i wouldn't feel so hopeless, i wouldn't have realized my marriage was a miserable failure(tho i had already)

if he hadn't kissed me, i would have pined another year or two, then it would have gone away like so many others.

i wouldn't be so jealous of everyone i am finding out does like him.

i wouldn't want to run away, or cut, or be hurting so bad. so afraid of the happiness that could be.

i wouldn't be afraid of hurting him like i am hurting myself. yes i am doing this to myself by letting it all overwhelm me. can't sleep, wont eat. emotional state is like a roller coaster. feel like i need to get it out of my head. tho even that doesn't seem to help.

don't know what to do since i cannot distract myself from this. it is all there is for me, this pain of breakup and divorce, and the happiness of new love, coupled with my doubt and fear as always.

trying to control my need to push everyone away cause i am in crisis, and unshure, as always when confronted with moving again and starting over again.

I am getting to old for all this pain, and anguish, and moving, and starting over.

i thought i had it all when i married Richard, a good family, a house to inherit, and a comfortable place to just be.

but after 4 years with no job, for either of us, my continued failure to be "ok in this world", the diseases that are slowly taking me away. cancer, and losing the one thing that made me happy, my singing(yes i still cry most of the time when i try to sing), and all the pain i just don't know how to let go of. cause no one can understand why i cant.

the worst part is that i desperately want to be now. with him i am more who i want to be than ever before. but the times apart are when it gets to me most, when he is here, i am ok, i can talk about what i want in the future. it's when he leaves and i don't know what he is thinking that i get all the bad thoughts that lead me to being overwhelmed.

it seems stupid to someone who hasn't lived with this in their head, who doesn't know how damaging it is, to have to battle the thoughts that are like awful little voices in your head.
always telling you you aren't worth the time or the effort, you are unworthy of love, ugly, stupid, mean.

i live this battle every day.it's why i hate hearing the words, "(name) was talking about you the other day" cause it sends me into a tailspin about what they could possibly have to say about me, or what i could have done to piss them off.

i live in my own head too much, spend too much time dwelling on how i have wronged others and how that makes me a bad person. on how awful my life has been, and i have people tell me that is has made me strong, when most don't understand i would much rather have not had a lot of it happen to me and be a little weaker.

but it is too late for all of that now, as it has been said so many times, i have a path to walk. and i cannot change it now. i have places and people i am meant for and i have to go and be were and with who i must.

suddenly, i feels like my soul is on fire.
and then laid open to the world

and then to know he feels the same
makes it easier and yet so much harder.

i want to soothe him, and ignore me
But i know i have to watch my feelings too

It's so hard to not be completely overwhelmed
when he is all i want in my life.

ready to give up everything,
And just walk away (from where i am now)

i have long since given up on what i have,
resigned to just suffering.

But something unexpected made me see
That suffering isn't an option

That i can be happy, that i should be.
made me feel like i deserve it.

and makes me feel like i am loved
Something that has been rare and fleeting.

when he holds me i feel so fragile and protected
Something i need more than anything

no one has ever made me so aware
Of everything i feel.

or look forward to a future
i never believed i would have.

But the seperation is murderous.
the distance seems impossible

the wait, so oppressive
but it makes opportunities

Seem so much more sacred.
Inspired. meaningful.

Waiting for the day when he
Can finally be just mine.

The day I begin to live again.


6-15.2011

For my Beloved.

why now? why me?

this is not how i imagined it happening.
then again. i tried not to imagine it at all.

Something inside me has awakened
It tells me what i thought was going well

it is a lie, not what it was.
this thing awakened, tells me plainly.

Where and to whom. But what to do
About my failures.

I still feel like it would be
Better if i just go away

hearts would mend, and aches will ease
But something just wont let me go

I can't walk away, can't take the chance
but also can't help mistrusting what i feel.

Emotions cloud judgement, especially mine.
This heart is Scarred, and afraid

And even still, through this pain
I can still feel something stirring again.


June 12, 2011

my kidney markers are slightly high. Merry f'ing christmas to me.


i gave up my wants for xmas presents so that richard and i can both attend Pantheacon and have a hotel room for the weekend, so we dont have to bother anyone to put us up at their expense or whatever.

it just isnt fair. i dont want to have to worry about dialysis, or not to. like it isnt bad enough i am already worrying about my eyes and signs of (i forgot what it's called already) going blind.

i dont want to be stressed about all of this, i dont want to be sick anymore. I don't want to live 350 miles away from all my friends. i do want to know what being happy is like. i guess it means i do want to run away from home now.

i hate my life so much right now, aside from some of the people in it.

i went through radiation, had my body scan, and was told i have nothing left to do, i am cancer free now


i miss my Norcal friends a lot, and i am depressed that i had to leave out the stop in San Jose.

but i do have a couple plans i am working on to make it up there in January or February

things have gotten interesting just after radiation treatment i found a couple people who are very important to me.

my favorite cousin showed up, in of all places, Facebook. I was afraid she would hear about the cancer from someone in the family before i could tell her. thankfully she hadnt heard at all . so i got to tell her myself.That way she got all the news, which was that yeah, they did tell me i had it, but i was already done with treatment and feeling better

i am still kinda weak, and have barely begun to start singing again. i dont go out as much as i used to, but am feeling an acute case of cabin fever. i feel horribly lonely and left out of a lot of things.

i really hate taking 18 medications a day, and it got worse with the addition of the thyroid meds, cause i have to take one when i wake up and then wait a half hour to eat, ugh.

speaking of which, i need to go eat brekfast, i am an hour overdue.. see you all later.

well, Amtrak wants an extra 170$ for hubby and i to stop the 3 days in San Jose, so we arent gonna be able to do it this time

we will be going right up to Willits for 6 days with my dad, and home in the wee hours on the day of the filk here at our place.

It looks like the next time i will be able to manage a trip up is in January, or early february.

there is someone coming down here to see me, and family, and i am thinking of maybe going back up with him, and then working my way back down in a trip with a different friend.

sh** happens. and plans can be rearranged.

my radiation has been put off a bit. but they want me in tomorrow for lab, they said something is off.

i was in the walk in clinic last week, they say i am badly dehydrated and don't have enough fiber (ya think on two water pills) they told me to drink 10 half litre bottles a day, eeek

i have a feeling they will likely admit me tomorrow. or at least keep me in a gurney somewhere till they can get a couple bags of water in me.

i am shure helping chase a three year old around disneyland helped a LOT!

i must be getting too old for this shtuff

well, i finally got the call today. ( for anyone wondering that it is amazing how fast this is going, i found out my endocrinologist is a real go getter)

they called a little while ago, i stop my replacement med for thyroid on monday. i go in for more blood work, on the 17th, and then if it it all where it should be, on the 21st i check in for another 3 day stay while it gets done.

now i am back to scared about it all over again. blah.

health first, i seem to still be healing well, the tingling in the throat and mild numbness is kinda weird.

upping spironalactone and decreasing potassium (going back to 5 a day after the surgeons upped me to 6 for a bit) i go back for more lab work in a week, then again on my bday ( that sucks)

so i will be on 100 milequivalents potassium, and 150 mg for the spiro.

personal hell. Wednesday was my three year anniv. I begged richard to come to bed early so we could do a couple thing early before mom went to bed.

instead the ass stayed up most of the night (he says he slept 2 hours) i didn't sleep too well as usual. and when i woke up, as i expected all he was interested in was sex. twice, which is rare for him now..

we went downstairs, mom dropped us at the mall, we grabbed a bite at chik-fil-A (i was pretty underwhelmed) we saw the movie, it was the best thing all day.

(from this point on he would blame the MD) from there he was complaining he was tired. i told him if he went home now and slept i would be angry, so instead all through the trip to the hospital when mom picked us up, he was trying not to sleep on me, and due to the LOOOOOONG time it takes to get through an endocrinology appt. he spent from an 1 PM till almost 5 PM sleeping on me.

i have told him time and time again, I have enough trouble keeping myself cool and awake, i shure the hell dont need him adding to it. and of course 5 minutes later as he is losing his ability to stay awake, i am a freaking pillow again.

she we go out to the bus stop after doc appt. yo go home, cause i told him if he wakes up his mom again i'll kill him. mom works graveyard, we are crushing her sleep time.. and i need her to be able to get to my other doctors office tomorrow to pick up emergency meds. so we get on the last bus he is still droopy eyes and acting tired.talking about going home and straight to bed for a nap, i agreed to go with cause i was tired to.

we get home and he sits down at the computer, after updating the gang over at the house for gaming night.when i make it up there, he's already in front of the other idiot box.i started getting out of hot sweaty clothes into something lighter around the house wear. i ask him if he is coming to lay down.

i am shure you have all figured out he answered no, so i layed down without him, ended up sleeping for about 2 ans a half hours, then came down to be social , just in time for spaghetti. that was about 9 PM.. between my coming down and spaghetti in my hand, he came to check on me.. and i never saw him again.

round about midnight i felt the unstable feelings come up.. held it back till about 2 AM, then i lost it all, if i hadn't had a washcloth to cry into when i was shaking, i probably would have woken this whole house and the neighbors too.

as usual the crying subsides quickly, i hate crying. but the horrible feeling of emptiness and betrayal at being all alone down here, and him knowing i needed him tonight and him ignoring me another day, overcame me so hard, that i texted him to ask if he was awake.. and after 5 minutes of waiting (if he is awake he usually comes downstairs) i got more angry and told him he is never awake when i do, and that i hate him and want a divorce.

i hate my life. even cancer didnt improve it much

yup, i am back to talking at a regular rate. still sound a little winded all the time, and it still takes a lot of effort to be heard sometimes. And i seem to be spending all my time sleeping,but i am guessing that's my body's way of healing from the trauma.

also having trouble sleeping through the night, but i am closer now than i was a month ago now, i wake up about 4 or 5 AM. if i wake at 4 i try to go back to sleep, if i wake at 5 i try to stay up till 7 when i take meds.

when i left the hospital, then sent me with about 6 more medications, we had to buy me a bigger sorter for them, and now i take a bonafide handful for b-fast and dinner, and just slightly less for lunch and bedtime

i have an appointment set for august 31, i believe that is either my radiation appt, or my counseling for radiation appt. but my first follow up appt. doc said i was healing fine, and everything looked good.

the problems with my mother in law and her psyche issues, are pushing me out of this house, the woman believes that self abuse is ok. she calls it punishment, and it was instilled in her by HER own mother. if ANYTHING goes wrong in this house, it is automatically her fault and she should be punished, and since noone else in this house will punish her, she does it to herself. It pisses me off so bad, that now when she starts with the guilt thing, i will get up in her face screaming at her to knock it off.. and i have told her if she slaps herself in my presence again, i will walk out the door, calling emergency psych services on my way out.

i believe everyone in this house needs help, including me.

i have told her she cannot control the world, and she needs to realize she doesn't control what other people do, and that means it isn't her fault all the time.

especially stuff with the boarders. She gets so nosy, asking them where they're going and what time they'll be home every time they step out the door. i keep trying to gently tell her it isn't her business. i guess i am gonna have to try to sit her down and explain this isn't Andrew and Christina, it really isn't her business, unless they offer to tell, which they usually don't.

after 5 days in ICU, cause my throat tried to collapse, i am home.

i am still very weak from the shoulders down, and cant hardly hold anything up. so i will try to get more out int he next few days as i strengthen up.


i have a cool scar, and i'm certainly gonna live.

night night

for those who missed the westercon post, i got a call friday morning telling me my surgery had been moved up 2 weeks.

thats right folks. i check into hell tomorrow morning. 8 AM. ugh.

so sometime thursday i will be under the knife. from what i gathered, it is a small incision about the collarbone area, and the thyroid comes out there.the doctors keep making it sounds like it is easy, and fairly painless. i am guessing that due to the diabetes and radical hormone changes all of a sudden like, i will likely be in the hospital all weekend..

so DAVE, if you see this, i may not be able to go out for dinner friday. you might be stuck bringing something in. and i dont even know if i can eat anything by then.

the only thing they told me that i didnt already know..

i might possibly lose some or all of my voice, due to the nerve endings that are in the same area as the cyst..

i am definatley losing the whole thyroid.

i am scheduled.... july 22nd i report for admission, the 23rd i get surged.. and will likely be in there all weekend.


this is rumor control... these are the facts.

i go in on june 15th for my first surgery consultation.

my friend comes out from florida july 12th to visit.

califur is next weekend.

and it all just finally hit me last night and tonight.. *I* have cancer. suddenly it doesnt matter that noone really dies from thyroid cancer. i have cancer, and i have to have surgery again.

I am scared as hell, but i dont get to panic. i have to hold myself together, cause if i dont noone else will.

as it is, i can barely deal with the thinly disguised panic every time Synthia calls me..

my aunt finally got in touch with me over yahoo, and as usual, what the hell does she say, not one f'ing word that is usefull, or supportive "if i were you i would go get drunk, just to say f*** the world" thank f'ing you.. i am diabetic, last time i took a drink it almost made me throw up. followed by "you have a real laundry list of problems" like you're any better.

how about for once in your life "hey, i am sorry to hear that, if there is anything i can do to help, let me know"

oh yeah, i got lots to say right now.. most of it will probably make some people trigger happy, but for once, better you than me.

i got a call from someone telling me my ex BF was having dinenr with them recently, and she apparently had a whole lot of not nice to say about me. BITCH, SHUT YOUR DAMNED MOUTH i backed up your lies and bullshit for 10 f'ing years. i tried, and most of the time i was the one who apologized to you to make things better, when it should have been you on your knees begging me not to turn your ass in to the cops.

last time i talked to you , again it was me apologizing to you, i was making nice, and all i ever wanted to know is if the kids we OK, i dont care where they are, or with who, i just wanted to know they were ok, if it werent for me, they would have taken them a lot sooner.. cause i helped raise them. think long and hard, the state took them when i was gone.

now, let me make one thing VERY clear. i am triggered by people telling me others are talking about me. this is a known quantity.

i am triggered ( obviously) by talking about cancer. but i needed to talk about it somewhere.

and apparenly now, i am triggered by having to still deal with the ex BF's shit. her life isnt part of mine anymore, so let's please not talk to me about her.

now, i also left norcal, to start over, and try to be more than i was. so people , please dont call me asking me about the rumor mill in norcal ( not part of the ex bf's issue) i try like hell to stay out of the norcal rumors and drama. i dont need it following me home now.

i have to deal with it enough between FC and CF.

this has been my bi-yearly rant. nothing left to see here, move along.

ladies and gents i have thyroid cancer, not life threatening, but i will be going under the knife to have my thyroid removed.

date is yet to be determined, i have to wait for scheduling. i know very little in the grand scheme of things. but i have an appointment with the endocrine doctor on the 12th.

i am sure the shock will have worn off by then and i will have questions.



i guess thats all for now.

well, i guess i was overdue for another health crisis.

it's a "nodule" ( or three) in my thyroid now.. 2.5 centimeter in the left lobe of my thyroid, and a couple smaller ones in the right.


blah. they are still waiting for the results of the biopsy, but i am fairly certain it will be surgery either way.

i will know in about 2 more weeks.

i am sick as hell, and was finally settling into good sleep for the first time in 3 days

Synkitty decides to txt me.. Now , under normal circumstances i wouldn't mind. i tried to keep myself in check. i answered her with I am sick so it isn't a good day for me.

admittedly i should have also added please don't txt me anymore i am trying to sleep. but somehow i thought she was smart enough to take the damned hint that i didn't want to talk.. so half an hour later she txts me again.. the third txt ( by now 3 AM) i was mad and said i am sick stop txting me.

i spent most of NYD in the ER to find out i likely have bronchitis. and already starting to cough up mucus in chunks, my nose is red and raw, and apparently no matter what time i go to bed, i have to be up at 5 AM

this does not bode well for my new year.

and Synthia, i asked you when you moved out, not to txt or page me unless it is an emergency. you know i hate xmas and new years. and i also asked you not to page me after midnight unless you know for a fact that i am awake. ( meaning you check online to see if i am on YM)

and i did think twice before i handfasted you, YOU left ME. you know damned well you had a home here, you are the one who left.

just taking a minute to let everyone know, i am getting along quite well with my father and his wife, and every day finding out more and more that i really am my fathers daughter, i am "JUST" like him, even tho he wasnt an influence in my life personally, it would seem his genes were.

liking his wife a lot too, we went shopping and bonded very well yesterday.

i am in willits, and she took me to some of the cool little shops, i bought jeans(genes?) hehehe and some tye dye. i am helping her out with flyer delivery for her school's xmas baazar, and having fun just hanging out with them, we are doing some touristing stuff tomorrow.

helped dad with some moving of stuff earlier today, and decided that while he rests for a bit, and mom is out helping a friend with a doctors appointment, i would stay here and geek a little update.

i got to hear dad's side of the story, and i am not sure how i feel about it all yet, but i know i am glad to have him in my life again. and i know i already adore his wife.

Hope everyone is having a great turkey holiday.

Devon

Some of you who have known me a long time, know how i have always been plagued by the father saga of my life.

i am proud to say he has been found, and i am going to get to spend thanksgiving with him, and his wife, ( I have a step mom too now)

in the last couple weeks, i have found out i have another half brother and a step sister. and my step sister lives close to me. ( Long Beach)

so i am having fun getting to know more family than i thought i had.

i am happy to know he is still out there, and that he is relatively OK. his wife seems really nice, and i cant wait to meet her and her daughter, and maybe even my other half brother.

yup, thats it. i am tired of defending Richard. for those who read this and think they have any right to talk shit to me about my husband, don't. cause you will find yourself talking to a brick wall in a very unfriendly mood.


it is not my job, and before you laugh, remember what a loyal friend i can be. yes david, remember i once defended you when i shouldnt have. well above and beyond what you deserved.

richard has never been forced to have a work ethic or to get a job really. so why does it make it my job to defend him, i know i dont have a work ethic, but right now he has the same reasons i do. i guess you havent noticed i have been telling people, he has MD.

anyway, i am sick of living with him too, sick to death of him sleeping about 16-18 hours a day, thats even more than i sleep. Sick of having to kick his damned lazy good for nothing ass off the couch. and sure as hell tired of only seeing him when he wants attention or sex.

and certainly sick to death of being sick myself. my eyes hurt all the time and are starting to leak a bit.. tho i think it is just me trying not to cry all the time.

i am tired of living in an unfamiliar city with only one friend, and she has a life and no time to hang out..

i miss Tara hugs. i miss hockey games with Justin and Kim, and karaoke,and mike(s), and Veronica, and the old Carrows gang. i miss being ble to get almost anywhere in town on a bus.

i miss going out.

i miss San Jose.

well, the endocrinologist i last saw just left me a voice mail while i was downstairs watching bad movies.

looks like i am gonna lose an adrenal gland. (damn, i forgot the hormone name) something they tested levels on came out high. which means my adrenal glands are unbalanced.

At the end of the month i have to go into the infusion clinic and have 2 litres of saline pumped into me, and then have my adrenal glands drained , and that tested, yes, both of them.

And then they test the liquids seperately. and we find out which one of my adrenal glands is trying to kill me. then it is very likely i will have to have the messed up one removed.


oh, and monday i had an Opthamological eye test. and they think they saw signs of Glaucoma.

diabetes, enlarged heart, PCOS (and everything that goes with it), and bi-polar, and BPD.

oh god, we can stop anytime now, really.. we can.


I miss everyone back home. it was looking like i would be up for Silicon, but Dave got a new recruit. oh well, the best laid plans... and all that

sorry this has taken so long, been a difficult time for me..

doc says no tumor showed up on the MRI, but no clue as to why this is happening then.

latest bloodwork, shows that liver ad kidneys are good, and potassium seems to be normal. weird. so i got meds changes and a new diuretic, and lowered on potassium dosage.


In the meantime, mental health has gone right to hell, can't sleep till after 4 AM for 4 days now, and i can't get stable.

I am sugar crashing ever day ( twice yesterday) cause i get to bed an hour or so before i wake up for breakfast and meds, and then go back to bed within an hour, and sleep right through lunch alarm, waking up and testing around 60. rushing down to eat something, and then ususally going back to bed till dinnertime (well no wonder i cant sleep till 5 am ish)

And things with Richard, still crap. i have done everything short of threaten him with divorce again, and he wont do anything.

there are moments i have entertained the thought of even just packing a bag, and going up north to live under a bride rather then live like this..

it feel like he only wants to pay attention when he wants something.. and usually it's me on my back.

i can't do this much longer, it's been two years.

well MRI showed no tumor, so were back to square 1.

they dont know why i am still not holding, but last test showed my level was normal. but i havent seen the doc in a couple weeks.

but i'll type a brief one anyways.

for those who haven't heard, the doctors found a tumor now, like i needed that.

i kinda suspected it was there, valley med spotted it before i moved, but insisted it was just "accumulated water" but the endocrine specialist says this is likely what is causing me to need to take 100 MEG a day of potassium.

so on the 29th, i have an MRI and lab to deal with. then off to westercon in Az ( i'm gonna just die) too damned hot. but then again.. air conditioned hotel room..

a couple days after i get back, i get to follow up with endocrine clinic.

Just so noone is shocked when i post it in a few weeks, i am expecting them to tell me i need surgery to remove it. a few days after i do follow up, i fly out to Rhode Island, to be with a friend for surgery. so i wont be home till july 31st basically. Unless the doc says they want me in surgery right away.

things are stressed out way bad for me. have been dealing with a lot of emotional stress, and not dealing as well as i like..

and as always Richard, and everyone else doesn't know how to react, but that's cause i am not coping. but i never have really done that well.

my life is nothing.

i am essentially dying, and cant seem to get anything done about it fast enough.

i have no income, no way of supporting myself( well, other than food stamps) and i am, as always, leeching off people who can't afford to support me.

i have nothing to show for all the time i have been on this planet, other than, as i am sure some of you will point out, some people who care deeply for me, through my own manipulations.

none of whom make me happy. i still have to spent hours of precious time every day to get hubby out of bed, and then have to throw a tantrum and scream to get him to do anything, both our yards are serious fire hazards, but i cannot get him to do more than about a half hour a day of work on them, i am ready to get out there and do it myself, at risk of heart attack and death.

funny thing, new psyche med ( trileptal ) just makes me want to go back to sleep. And the anger problem is getting worse.

i am spending a lot of time in regret, crying nearly every night. and can't get to sleep before 3 or 4 Am, which promotes more anger when the kid cries, ( which is a LOT more than i think it should be)

i am lonely, even when my new "Sir" takes me out to gaming night, i still feel alone. tho not unusual, since i am not actually in the game. and being with him has it's own downturn too.

whine whine whine, depress, bitch, moan, i know, i never say anything good..

I miss talking to Olivia. But then again, all our computers in house are breaking down, and i am on Mom's laptop. there are only 3 in the house that work now, mom's laptop, the business system ( which i am not allowed to use), and Michaels ( no way i could handle the godawful smell of his room.

i have done something bad to my left shoulder, and the pain worsens a little every day, but i don't feel there is any point to doing anything about it, i have to see the doctor on the 18th, and i dont think it will be covered. so i figure i will just talk to her about it when i go.

every morning i feel more lost. my relationships are both degrading quickly, and i have taken to nearly hiding in my room, the only good news there is i am getting a lot of jewelry made. which i get to sell at Westercon. yay me ( sarcastic tone)

blah, yes i know people are worried about me, one or two of them even call me once in a while.. especially with the flu thing happening.. to the two people who called to check in, thanks a lot.. it does help me a little to know..

I'm not dead yet.

not for lack of my body trying..

shrink put me on lamictal, BAD BAD juju.


and now i have hypokalemia as well, which means constant headaches, chest pain, and breathing problems...

hypokalemia means my body wont hold potassium, and that means, with the heart issues, that i am essentially a walking heart attack looking for a place to happen. And now cause i can't safely be very active, i am gaining weight again, i am already back up to 250


so let me make a list here..

PCOS
Hypertension ( high blood pressure)
bi-polar
Borderline
(i suspect an anxiety problem brewing)
Hypokalemia


i think i can easily qualify for disability now. just need to call them and start it all over.
but my new primary doctor already told me to bring her papers and she will sign them. ( deep sigh of relief)


and to the two or three men who in my life have told me it's all in my head, FU$#% OFF!

well folks, the shoe falls silently...

i have an enlarged heart. took em about 20 minutes to give me that news..


my potassium was 8.2.


so five hours in a bed with potassium and saline into my veins, they let me go home, doc says
it sounds like more cysts going on.


i feel like i have been through the wringer. i have urgent follow up with ob/gyn, i am guessing it will be ultrasound and CT scan time again..


blah.


that is all.